


Here is a Heart

by plisetskys



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Friends, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mpreg, Porn With Plot, Post-Trost Arc, Restraints, Reunion Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Sex, discussion of miscarriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-04 18:19:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15846777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plisetskys/pseuds/plisetskys
Summary: eren would fight for armin, eren would kill for him.directly post-trost arc, canon divergent.





	1. visit

**Author's Note:**

> ive been rewatching snk lately and wanted to re-work the 1st/2nd seasons for fun! and if theres one thing i love: it's mpreg. so here's some eremin mpreg, vaguely inspired by parasitoid by anarhichas (more like i just wanted to put some more optimistic eremin mpreg into the world after reading it) 
> 
> this is going to be a bit of a longer multi-chapter fic. comment if u like it! idk if anyone even likes snk anymore but im out here and im ready to write some eremin!! 
> 
> also i have read the manga and i am updated, so just know some things i am going to add into this fic are not canon compliant to the manga either

“Thank you, Captain.” 

Eren heard him first. He’d know Armin’s voice anywhere. He sounded timid, shaky, even. Eren immediately felt guilty. He knew Levi made Armin nervous, and he hated the thought of him going through the undoubtedly arduous task of having to talk him into a visit. The last time he’d seen him had been at the trial, but only briefly, a flash of blonde hair. His eyes had looked red and puffy. Eren’s heart had ached because of it. Much after that was fuzzy. 

He could hear small footsteps now, the sound of boots clicking against the stone floor. The surroundings were filthy. Rust and dirt, the damp smell of mold. Eren hated to think of Armin having to come here. There were no windows, no way to see the sky, and the bars of the cell cast long, dark shadows. This was no place for him. 

The footsteps were closer now, and he shot up before he could help himself, eager to see Armin’s face again. A sharp pain immediately shot up his side, and he grimaced, remembering the all too familiar feeling of Captain Levi’s boot crunching against his ribs. He must’ve broken one of them. He sat back down as well as he could with his arms shackled above his head. He could sit fairly comfortably, but moving beyond that was a struggle. 

Levi came into sight first, dark eyebrows furrowed with disapproval. He looked as if someone just spit in his lunch. 

“Alright, Arlert. Make it quick.” 

Armin looked pale, his small shoulders stiffened. The Captain clearly set him on edge. 

To Eren, it was as if all the sunshine was let into the room. He broke into a huge grin, relief washing over him. He strained against the shackles once more, this time ignored the pain. Armin waved tearfully as Levi went through his large keyring, slotting a large, rusty key into the padlock and turning it with a click. 

“Now don’t look too happy,” Levi said sternly, gesturing to Eren, “Thirty minutes and I’m back.” 

“Captain- wouldn’t you- please, unlock his arms?” Armin’s bottom lip trembled, “He won’t hurt me. I know he won’t.” 

Levi snorted audibly, meeting Armin’s eyes with an entirely unimpressed expression, “Not a fucking chance.” He pushed the heavy cell open with a creak and left, walking down the hall until his footsteps grew quiet, replaced with the slam of a door.

Armin turned, took in Eren’s battered appearance, and rushed to his side. He threw his arms around Eren’s chest, heaving with sobs. 

Eren buried his face into Armin’s hair, breathing in. He smelled like childhood. Familiar and warm, he recalled all the hundreds of times he’d slept with Armin on his chest. When Armin had curled up with him and an open book, explaining what every sentence meant when Eren hadn’t understood. It was safety, security. Something he hadn’t had in earnest for a very, very long time.

“Eren!” Armin gasped, looking up at Eren, cheeks streaked with tears and nose dripping with snot, “You look t-terrible!” He could hardly breath, air coming in sharp and irregular, shaking hands cupping his cheeks, thumbing a blackened eye, a blood crusted nose. 

Eren smiled weakly, “I know. I missed your face so much. I’ve hardly seen anyone. I mean, except Captain Levi, which isn’t… y’know.” 

Armin laughed, like bells, sniffing heartily and wiping his face, “I wish I could get you out. It doesn’t seem right that you’re chained up like this. Maybe… maybe I can talk to him. We won the trial! Me and Mikasa- we’re trying to make things right, so you can be with all of us.” 

“I’m sure they’ll let me out soon. If they intend on using me as a weapon, they might as well just do it.” 

“Oh, Eren,” Armin’s voice broke, and he began to cry again, weakly falling against Eren’s chest. 

“Hey,” Eren’s voice fell until he was speaking softly, something that he found he could usually only do around Armin, “Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m fine.” 

“I saw you…” He whispered, trembling against Eren, “I saw you die! I never thought I’d see you again…” 

“I know, I know.” He soothed, although he couldn’t think of anything to say to make things better. It had been a split second decision, to take Armin’s place, but it seemed impossible that the world go on without him. 

“Your leg…” Armin’s voice turned to slight wonder, and he ran his hand along Eren’s very much still intact leg, “It’s amazing, really. I mean, that’s incredible. I saw it.” Armin searched for a scar on Eren’s knee he’d been familiar with, but found it missing. His face fell. 

Eren frowned, carefully watching Armin’s expression, feeling so terribly inhuman. If anyone could understand he was the same as he always was, it would be Armin. 

“I know it’s weird-”

Before he could continue, Armin leaned up and kissed him. Eren could taste the salt on his lips. It forced him back to a memory that seemed thousands of years old. He thought about the giant old book Armin had insisted on lugging around when they were children, and what it said about saltwater. He wondered if that would taste the same. It had sounded ridiculous, an enormous lake full of salt, but now, with Armin’s tears on his tongue, it was clear in his mind. The ocean was as real for him as it was for Armin. 

“I missed you. It was cold at night, and everyone kept me up. When do you think they’ll let you out?” The words were falling out of his mouth before he could make sense of them, a nervous stream of consciousness all leading to the question burning his tongue.

“I don’t know… until they decide I’m not a danger to society, I guess.” Eren sighed deeply, suddenly feeling slightly claustrophobic. He really had no idea when he’d be aloud to leave the makeshift dungeon. 

“It just seems wrong! That’s what the trial was for, right?! After all we did… after all you went through!” Armin’s eyes filled once more with sympathy, gazing bitterly at Eren’s swollen lower lip. They couldn’t keep him locked up like this forever, it wouldn’t be practical. 

“Kiss me again.” 

Armin blinked, then nodded. He tangled his arms around Eren’s neck and leaned in once more for another kiss. He had missed this, perhaps more than anything. 

Eren responded enthusiastically, deepening the kiss. Armin could taste the blood from his split lip, now. He wondered if his blood was any different from before, if this new power had been biological or completely random. An alignment of the right stars at the right time or asleep in his genes, waiting dormant for a trigger. 

While Armin’s mind wandered, Eren had one of his first moments of clarity for a long time. Alone, chained up, or forced to stand trial for the destruction he’d caused, he could do nothing but think of what had become of him. Wonder how it had possibly happened, that he’d become the thing he hated most. Now, with Armin’s warm body so close to his, tasting him, breathing him in, his mind was far away from all that. He could only think of Armin, wishing he could touch him. 

The thought made him burn. The thing he wanted most was close enough to taste, and yet his hands were anchored above him, denying him even this simple, earthly pleasure. 

Sex was so human, and so incredibly normal, it had almost completely left his mind until Armin had kissed him, reminding him of one of the most basic activities of man. Titans didn’t even have genitals, much less any plausible form of reproduction. Eren was not a titan. 

At least, not now. 

He pulled back sharply, taking a long look at Armin’s features. His lips were rosy and kiss swollen, but by candlelight he could still see his puffy eyes and damp cheeks. In the barracks, it was usually pitch dark, and Eren didn’t ever have the chance to admire the way Armin looked after he’d been kissed hard. He took advantage of this now, panting slightly. He wanted him, badly. 

“Do you want to-” Armin trailed off, “It’s been a long time.” He could see his ears turning red. 

Eren wished he could wipe Armin’s cheeks, so he kissed him instead, chastely this time, and sweet.

“Yeah, but, we should be quick,” He shifted his head towards the cell door, “Y’know.” 

“I know.” Armin whispered, and cupped his face with his hands again, warm and gentle. He hadn’t felt anything gentle in a long time. 

Armin made quick work with his belts, clumsily slipping them off his shoulders and tugging them down his thighs, just far enough that he could unbutton his pants and shove them down. 

“Armin, I can’t-” Armin looked up, and frowned, realizing that Eren had no use of his hands.

“I can do it.” He said softly, sitting beside him on the cot and tenderly unlacing Eren’s cotton pants. He could feel he was half-hard, and pulled his cock from the confines of his underwear. He spit into his palm and stroked him, knowing the familiar movements that Eren liked best, how to make him feel good. 

“God,” Eren breathed, he’d missed everything about the way Armin felt. 

Armin ran his thumb along Eren’s slit and found it slick with precum. He shifted his own pants further down around his knees as far as he could without unhooking any more belts and reached between his own legs, feeling that he was wet enough to take him.

“Here,” Armin said, and moved closer, straddling Eren as best he could and guiding him inside, wincing a little as he adjusted to the feeling. He slung his arms around Eren’s neck, trying to be gentle. He could tell Eren was hurting. It’d been so hard to watch the Captain beat him while he stood in observation, unable to say anything. 

Eren let out a sharp breath as he entered Armin completely. He was so warm and slick, welcoming. He wished he could wrap his arms around him, could touch him, feel his breasts, but there wasn’t any time for pleasantries. He fucked into Armin as well as he could while restrained, burying his head in the crook of Armin’s shoulder, kissing whatever skin he could reach. 

Armin muffled a cry, holding onto Eren tightly, like a life raft. He was doing most the work with his legs, since Eren couldn’t do much. His thighs shook with the effort of it but he longed for the closeness of feeling Eren inside him. Sleeping in his cot without him had been so lonely, listening to the soft breathing of the other cadets. Nightmares. Fitful rest. The cold right half of the bed had left him with a pit of dread in his stomach. 

Eren was fucking into him almost frantically, and before he could help himself, he bit into Armin’s shoulder. He wanted Armin so completely, so entirely, that fucking him wasn’t enough. There had to be a way to get more. Armin let out a whine, moaning almost tearfully, cupping Eren’s cheek to turn his head and kiss him on the mouth, shoulder aching in a way that made him feel vaguely satisfied, though he couldn’t explain how. 

He let his hand trail back between his legs, touching himself. Eren’s thrusts were becoming more insistent, and Armin knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. There was no way Armin expected to come, his nerves were still wound up tight. The idea of Levi walking in on them was not something that excited him, but he was happy to please Eren. He could admit he’d missed the feeling, the fullness of it. To be so connected to Eren felt special and sacred. He knew no one but him had the pleasure of it, and that was enough for the moment. 

“Eren-!” Armin yelped as Eren slammed into him and came, warm inside him.   
Eren panted, catching his breath up against Armin’s bare skin. He noticed, only now, the bruise that bloomed on his pale shoulder, and immediately kissed it. 

“I’m sorry- did I hurt you? Did you finish?” 

Armin laughed breathily, sitting up and trying to get his clothes on as quickly as he could. He felt sticky, disliking the feeling of tugging on his underwear without getting a chance to clean up. He would have a bath later, although he regretted the thought of washing Eren away. 

“I’m fine, Eren.” He touched his shoulder briefly before re-buttoning his shirt, slipping his belts on with a practiced ease. After he was dressed, he attended to Eren, cleaning him up sloppily with a blanket and pulling his pants back up, hands shaking with nerves all the while. 

“Arlert.” Levi’s voice came sharply from behind them, and Armin jumped, blue eyes going wide as he quickly moved away from Eren, smoothing down his hair, hoping he didn’t look too obviously well-fucked. 

Eren gave Armin a long look. As soon as he saw Levi’s face, he was suddenly reminded of how his wrists felt chapped and sore, his arms aching. 

“I’ll see you soon, Eren.” Armin kissed him chastely on the forehead. 

“Wrap it up, Lovebirds. I don’t run an escort service.” Eren could see Armin’s cheeks turn a deep shade of crimson, arms crossing protectively around his middle, as though it might protect his modesty. Levi grabbed him firmly by the arm and led him out, slamming and locking the cell door behind him.

Eren could hear Armin being chastised, their voices fading. The door down the hallway closed, with a strange finality, and Eren was left feeling more alone than before.


	2. blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a look into armin's childhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is basically just exploring my trans armin headcanons before we get into the plot! mind the tags

Armin was five years old when he realized he was different. 

His Grandfather had always told him he was small for his age, which he remembered clearly, even now. He remembered how he would sit in his rocking chair with Armin on his knee, smelling of tobacco and cut grass, “You should be outside,” he’d say, “Get some sun.” Sun made children grow, and Armin was in desperate need of growing.

Armin would’ve always rather sat inside with a book, and his Grandfather to read to him. 

It wasn’t just that he was small, he couldn’t keep up either. Eren, his best friend, was faster and stronger. He came up only to his chest, and stumbled where Eren could sprint. It made his cheeks burn when he couldn’t climb trees as adaptly, or reach something on the shelf as high. 

He liked having Eren over and sitting by the fireplace, showing him all the pictures in his favorite books while his Grandfather worked on the fields. Then, he was the one with the leg up. Eren couldn’t read at all, where Armin was well on his way to learning how. He could understand the letters and sound them out. It felt good, like solving a puzzle. 

On that day, Eren had brought over his own book. It was big and leather bound, and Armin had been very impressed he’d carried it all the way from home by himself. 

“I took it from my Dad’s study,” He’d said proudly, “It looks like the kind of book you like.” 

Armin was delighted, and they’d pawed over it all afternoon. 

It was a medical book, mostly text, but it contained some anatomical illustrations that Armin found fascinating. Pictures of organs and body parts with tiny dotted lines, and little notes that said exactly what each piece was called. 

Eren had a hard time understanding it, until they’d flipped to the page with the male and female diagrams. He’d snorted at the nudity, and then leaned in close to examine it with great curiosity.

Armin paused, something didn’t seem right to him. 

“I don’t understand.” He’d said, biting his lower lip in concentration as he compared the two side by side. 

“What?” Eren scoffed, “It’s just a boy and a girl. See?” 

Armin went quiet, staring hard at the images, trying to make sense. He was a boy, he was sure of it. His Grandfather had called him Armin, which was a boy’s name. When others spoke, he was called ‘he’, which was for boys. Eren was a boy, and Eren was his friend. He surely would’ve said something had anything been amiss. Eren’s personality could be quite blunt sometimes and he’d pointed out many other things he probably shouldn’t have. 

Grandfather Arlert walked through the door and Armin jumped, shutting the book quickly as if he’d been caught looking at something bad. He felt nervous inside. 

“Eren, your father’s looking for you,” He said, but his eyes crinkled at the corner with a smile for Armin, “And probably that book, too. Go on, boy.” 

Eren pat Armin on the head in a goodbye and heaved the giant text into his arms, “See you tomorrow, Armin! Bye, Sir.”

Armin kept looking at the floor, mind going very quickly. His Grandfather had never let him swim in the lake with the other boys in the summer, saying he would catch his death of a cold. He’d never been giving a bath anywhere but home. If he got dirty, he was always told to come straight home to wash up. Maybe he was born wrong. There had been a mistake. Maybe he would grow boy’s parts later. That didn’t make sense. 

He could feel himself getting teary. He quite liked being a boy, he didn’t want to have to stop now. 

“Armin,” He could hear his Grandfather’s voice soften as he kneeled down to meet his eyes, “Are you okay? Did he say something mean to you?” 

“No!” Armin was quick to come to Eren’s defense, he was always in trouble, “No… I just feel… upset.” His bottom lip trembled and he pulled his knees up to his chest, making himself very small. 

“Oh, c’mere,” Grandfather slid his bag off his shoulder and onto the floor. He lifted Armin up with ease and held him close, rocking him like he knew he had when he was a baby, “There, there. What’s got you upset?” 

“I’m a boy, right, Grandpa?” He asked, though his voice sounded small when he said it, and the words felt like they were in the wrong order, “I don’t want to have to stop being one.”

His Grandfather sat down at the kitchen table, patting Armin’s back, “Now, why would you say that?” 

“Eren’s book,” He replied mournfully, already thinking of all the activities he’d have to give up. Eren probably wouldn’t want to be friends with him if he was a girl. He’d expressed distaste for them, before, “I don’t look like the boy in that book. It’s the wrong one- I look like the girl.” 

“Oh, little Min.” He sat Armin down on his lap and wiped his tears with a handkerchief from his pocket, “Listen. I’ll tell you what happened.” 

Armin’s parents had been murdered, that much he knew, and Armin was given to his Grandfather at six months old in a tiny bundle. He was lucky, he’d said, that he was given a chance. Armin was born early, and small, so he was sick often, and his Grandfather had to work hard to pay for his medicine, and keep him fed. All of this, Armin had been told before. 

What Armin hadn’t been told, was that his Grandfather had been given a baby girl. 

When he had been young, and even now, in some places, he’d explained, things had been bad for girls. They couldn’t attend school, or join the military, and didn’t have any future besides marriage and a family. His Grandfather had known that Armin was smart and strong, and deserved more than cooking and cleaning. 

When he had raised Armin’s mother, who had also been smart and strong, just like him, he had been disgusted by how hard it had been just to find her education. It was easy to give Armin a new name and walk several miles to the next town over where no one knew them. 

Things were easier now, the playing field a bit more level, but it had still given his Grandfather peace of mind. The neighbors would frown upon him leaving a defenseless young girl alone all day while he worked the fields, but Armin was a boy, so they got no stern looks or comments. He was safe this way, and had more opportunity. He could become a scholar, or whatever he wanted to be. 

He asked, then, if Armin understood. He said Armin could be a girl, now, if he wished. He had seemed concerned whether he had done the right thing or not. He told Armin, stroking his golden hair, that he would love him either way. 

Armin had hugged his Grandfather and after that, he remained a boy, and quite liked it that way. 

 

Over the years, he hadn’t run into too many issues. Bullies always pulled his hair, teased him for looking like a girl, but that was typical. No one really thought to ask, Eren would introduce Armin as he was, and that was usually the end of it. It did help that he certainly wasn’t well endowed. Small statured and slender, like his mother, the only tell was the softness that collected around his thighs, which had become firm from running and jumping. 

Hardly anyone had any legal birth record or certificate, and certainly not anyone from Shiganshina. Everything had been destroyed. They left only with the clothes on their back and started fresh. So, when Armin had applied for the military, he’d given his own information, and no one had question it. He was just a late bloomer. Just pretty for a boy. 

He bunked with the boys, showered at night alone, or with Eren, who’d never tell. 

When he was fourteen, Armin woke up with a start in the night, and instantly knew something was amiss. Eren was sleeping soundly beside him, one slack hand laid limp across his chest, which he gently plucked off. He could hear the steady inhale and exhale of his breath, see the softness of his brow. Eren was a heavy sleeper. 

Armin felt uncomfortably warm and damp, slightly nauseous. He was sick with anxiety, thinking he’d gotten terribly ill and done something embarrassing. He quietly lit the candle beside the bed and pulled back the sheets, feeling hazy. 

In horror, he discovered a dark smear of blood where he had laid, and drew his hand to his mouth to cover the gasp. Perhaps he had cut himself and not noticed, he checked his legs for injury quickly, the familiar sounds of snoring from the other cadets doing nothing to soothe his panic. 

The blood was on his thighs, too. Between them, staining his sleep shirt, coming from inside him. His stomach ached and he felt sweat bead on his forehead, another wave of nausea passed through him. God, he must be dying. Maybe the maneuver gear had given him some kind of internal stomach injury. Everyone had told him he didn’t have a strong enough constitution to join the military, maybe they were right. Maybe he was destined to die in his bed, weak and sick, while Eren went off to proudly destroy the enemy. 

Thinking quickly, Armin tugged his only other sleep shirt from beneath his cot and laid it flat against the mattress, dabbing at the blood. He folded it in half, so if Eren were to wake up, he wouldn’t see it immediately, and hopefully, if were to roll over onto it, it wouldn’t stain him as well. 

He walked, shaking hands holding his candle just ahead of him, through the grass field and just outside the medical building. He hesitated before knocking, it seemed dark except for a few small lights, and he hated to be a burden or to wake anyone on his account. He convinced himself to knock by figuring it would be a nasty shock to someone opening the door if he just passed out and died right here. 

“Come in!” A voice cried shrilly, almost immediately after his hand had left the dark wood of the door. Armin was relieved it wasn’t Instructor Shadis. He would hate for him to know how terribly he’d failed, killed by basic training. 

Armin opened the door little by little, peeking his head inside cautiously. 

Sitting at the table was a woman with messy hair piled on top of her head, and a pair of square glasses sitting on her long nose. She had textbooks spread all around her, flopped open carelessly, and her candle had almost burned out, wax pooling around it.   
“State your, uh. Stuff.” She said, flipping through a book she held upside down. 

Armin grimaced, saluting as best he could with candle in hand, “I’m Armin Arlert, cadet in training, ma’am. I’ve just come from my bunk.” 

“I’m Squad Leader Hange Zoe, of the Survey Corps. I’m here doing some… research,” She gestured to the books as if it should be obvious, “I hear you’re smart!” 

“Um, thank you,” Armin replied, still hovering in doorway, afraid to step inside, “Squad Leader, I’m afraid I’m dying.” 

Hange threw back her head and laughed, “Now what makes you think that, cadet?” 

“I’m bleeding… I don’t know why. I think I might’ve suffered- um, internal damage from maneuver gear.” A bit of wax dropped onto his fingers and he startled, another wave of nausea passing over him. 

“Come on in, I won’t bite.” 

Armin stepped into the room, into the light of the candle, where the blood slick between his thighs and staining his front was clearly visible. He swallowed hard, waiting for Hange to gasp and proclaim that his death was imminent. He thought of Eren, sound asleep, with no knowledge of these events. Waking up to an empty cot with a bloodstained nightshirt where his friend should be. 

“Oh,” Hange covered her mouth, “Armin, you’re not dying. Come here, come here. Let’s get you cleaned up.” 

 

All of this was so clear in Armin’s mind, the relief, and then the shame of it, and every month after that. So when it had been two weeks since Armin’s visit to Eren’s cell, one week since his release, and several days past the due date of his period, he thought of it as a blessing. Maybe his body had finally decided to given him a break.


	3. change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eren adjusts to his new surroundings, everyone else is soon to follow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the canon divergence will probably start in the next chapter. thanks for reading!
> 
> edited this chapter to remove annie, i forgot that she joins the military police- duh!! sorry everyone!

Eren was woken up in the middle of the night without much ceremony. Captain Levi shook his shoulder gruffly, and then quickly undid his shackles. 

He was led outside, still hazy from sleep, but relieved that his hands had some range of motion. His wrists had gotten so sore and achy from being stuck in one place for so long. The Captain had assigned several guards to keep an eye on him. A small woman with red hair, and a much taller, irritable looking man. They all seemed to be members of the survey corps, and Eren tried to make somewhat of an impression, smiling tiredly at them. 

The man only looked away, but the woman smiled back warmly. He could tell she was kind, and she had a spring in her step that told Eren she enjoyed her work. 

It was dark outside, but there was the slightest tint of pale blue and orange just on the horizon, telling Eren that the sun would rise in an hour or two. It was cold, and Eren shivered. He still only wore his military issued shirt and pants, which felt itchy and unforgiving against the early morning breeze. He breathed in deep despite this, amazed by how different the air felt, how quickly he’d forgotten how it tasted and felt to be outside. 

Several horses stood in wait, and a cart was set up, carrying supplies that looked like they should last the group quite some time. More soldiers were outside making five in total, besides the Captain, and the two on either of Eren’s side helped him into the back of the cart. 

“Where are we going?” Eren asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes. The Captain turned and said nothing, just staring at him as if he was a supply he’d loaded by mistake. 

The woman sat beside him, “We’re heading to our new headquarters!” 

All the other soldiers went to tend to their horses, it was clear Eren was not trusted with his own, and was going to be pulled. The woman, he assumed, was his security detail, ensuring he didn’t hop out the back and transform, or whatever ill-intent they expected of him. 

Eren was still just trying to gather himself, opening his eyes wide as if it might make him feel less hazy from his rude awakening. He’d been sleeping at odd hours, purely from boredom. After training for years in the 104th, sudden inactivity had been so difficult to get used to, and it seemed that as soon as he became more comfortable in his cell, he was yanked off to some other place to be experimented on. Everything felt so bleak. Going from a young soldier to a monster in a matter of seconds was taking its toll. 

He held his head in his hands, and the cart began to move, gaining speed down the dirt road. The same irritated man rode behind the cart on his horse, keeping a visual on both Eren and the woman beside him. He was surveilled from all angles. 

“Hey, now,” The woman pat him on the back with a small hand, which made Eren start, no one had willingly touched him since- well, since Armin. 

“Sorry,” She said then, when it became clear she had surprised him, “I’m Petra.”

Petra held out her hand to shake and Eren took it cautiously. 

“Eren.” He replied. 

Petra was small, but her handshake was firm. The look in her eyes was soft and genuine, and for a moment, Eren saw Carla in her features. In her smile lines, the concerned furrow of her brow, the crinkles by her eyes. She couldn’t have been much older than Eren’s mother had been the last time he’d seen her. He quickly swallowed that memory down. Too painful.

“You should sleep, we have a ways to go,” She recommended, and Eren felt how heavy his eyes were, “The Captain will want us to get to work right when we arrive.” 

“On what?” Eren asked, his stomach dropping. Would they start experimenting on him now? 

“He likes the place really clean. I’ve heard where we’re going has been abandoned for quite some time, so I’m imagining it needs a lot of work.” 

Cleaning? Levi’s personal soldiers devoted their time to cleaning? He shrugged it off, preferring that over experimentation for the meanwhile. 

“Alright.” He said, though he wasn’t sure how convinced he was. Eren felt himself fading, lulled by the gentle to and fro of the cart, the even sounds of the horses heavy steps outside. He let his head rest against the wooden wall behind him, propping himself up, and fitfully, he fell asleep. 

 

Eren had no idea how long it had been when he was awoken again, but the sun was high and bright in the sky. Petra was still beside him, and it was obvious she hadn’t slept. She looked weary, but still cheerful. 

“We’re here,” She said, and stood, “Take as much as you can carry and bring it inside, okay?” 

Eren nodded dumbly and grabbed as many canvas bags as he could. They seemed to be full of food. Produce, bread, jars of preserves. He wondered how long they would stay here, where his friends where. What if it was months before he saw Armin and Mikasa again? He could hardly bear the thought. 

He hauled everything over his shoulder, watching tiredly as Petra did the same, and stumbled out of the cart. His legs felt stiff, but he ignored it, taking in his surroundings.

They were in an open field. It was grass as far as he could see, a few sparse trees dotted the sprawling horizon. In the middle of it all seemed to be a castle. It felt wrong to call it that, castle felt far too grand, and this place was not grand.

It was large and grey, made of towering brick that cast a long shadow over the greenery. It seemed to be crumbling, Eren could tell even from the outside that it was covered in a thick layer of dust. Whoever had lived here, perhaps when it had been grand, was certainly gone now, and had been for many years. 

Petra had been right. It was grimy, and the amount of cleaning it would probably take to become livable felt overwhelming. 

He remembered being young, six, maybe seven. It had been before Mikasa. His mother had tried to instill some kind of order in the house, chores and cleaning. He’d been tasked with doing the dishes and did so to completion exactly on one, single occasion. He had made such a mess that she had never asked him to do it again. 

His mother had taken his soaking clothes, covered in soap, and hung them to dry in the yard. He thought she would be furious but she only shook her head and laughed. Her foolish son. 

Eren doubted it would be like that. Captain Levi would leave no room for error. He wondered if his mother would be proud if she saw him now. Proud, or scared of what he’d become? He was glad she hadn’t seen him in Trost. A giant monster, hands covered in blood, teeth bared. 

Shaking his head to clear it, he followed the others inside.

They made quick work of the cart and it was emptied into the castle’s entrance with ease. Eren could tell everyone was very strong, Petra could haul double what he could without losing the bounce in her step. 

“I’m sure you all know the drill.” Captain Levi announced once everyone had gathered inside. Everyone listened with rapt attention, hands at their chest in salute. 

“Not a speck of dust left behind, or the entire room will need to be redone. Jinn, Schultz, I want you two on window duty. No streaks.” 

“Yes, Captain.” The men echoed in response and grabbed their cleaning supplies from the pile that had amassed in the center of the room.

“Bozado, clean the kitchen, and get all this shit put away.” The Captain gestured to the food. 

The man who had ridden behind the cart on his horse gave his, “Yes, Captain.” and got quickly to work. He still looked irritated, and Eren was starting to suspect it was just the way his face was arranged.

“And you two,” The Captain’s gaze fell on Petra and Eren, “Ral, keep a close eye on our titan. Make sure he refrains from destroying anything.”

“Of course, Captain,” The corner of her mouth twitched upward into a smile. Eren felt his face burn with shame.

“Clean the floors. You know how I like them done. Teach Jaegar how to do it properly.” 

“Yes, Captain.” 

“Excuse me- Captain?” Eren interrupted, and immediately he felt as if he’d done the wrong thing. Levi’s cold eyes were on him, scrutinizing his features, as if he was assessing if Eren had the right to speak to him. 

“What?” Levi replied, and it was as if the light had been sucked out of the room. Clearly, Eren had made the wrong decision in trying to state his case.

“I was just wondering… where I would be sleeping.” He said finally, feeling sheepish and stupid, as if he was a child about to be scolded. 

“You will be sleeping in the cellar, shackles on. I don’t trust you.” Before Eren could even protest, Levi was gone, storming down the hall. He clearly had work to do that did not involve either of them. 

He had hoped that after they were far away from the rest of humanity that things would be different. It was hard not to justify, he wasn’t even sure if he could trust himself, why should anyone else? Still, it stung. He had never been treated this way before. Sure, he had never made friends easily, and he had gotten into quite a lot of trouble as a child, but this was entirely different. He was a monster now. He was something to be afraid of. 

“Don’t look discouraged,” It was Petra at his side, her small hand on his shoulder, “It just takes time. The Captain is a little harsh. I know sometimes he says things that are hard to hear.” 

Eren sniffed and nodded, straightening up, embarrassed that his emotions had shown so clearly on his face, “He’s just a little different than I expected.” 

“Shorter?” Petra laughed and winked at him.

They spent the next several hours cleaning the floors with painstaking precision. Even though Eren could see how large the place really was, it was even larger when he was on his hands and knees, scrubbing the wood inch by inch. 

He got into somewhat of a routine after a while, letting his mind wander as he performed his task. He thought of Armin and Mikasa, mostly. Wondered where they were, what they were doing, if they were safe. If they worried about him. That bothered him the most. Had the Captain taken him away to their new fortress without letting anyone else know? Would Armin stop by for a visit to find only an empty cell? He hated the thought of that. 

Eren remembered the last time he had seen Armin, the last time he had kissed him. He’d tasted like salt and familiarity. His skin had smelled warm, and been soft to the touch. It was a memory he’d often revisited in his cell. When the loneliness had begun to crush him he had begun thinking Armin has sat there, or your mouth, Armin has kissed that mouth. Armin has held that hand. Armin has touched that leg, yes, even the new one. 

With Mikasa it was fainter, the last time she had been allowed to visit was before he had even seen Armin, and she had been sullen and despondent, angry at his treatment. He remembered her face during the trial when they had questioned her, how defensive she had been. Eren didn’t like to imagine how worried she likely was about him. 

 

It was another week before anything changed. They cleaned tirelessly all day, and at night, Eren was back in the cellar, cold and damp. This time, he had a cycle of guards to watch him sleep. Some were better than others, Bozado was by far the worst- besides, of course, Captain Levi himself, and Petra, the kindest. Some didn’t seem to notice him at all, they brought books to read, or parchment to write on and kept to themselves. 

The biggest change was that they had been joined by two more. Hange, who was dying to inspect every inch of Eren, fascinated by him, and by cool, collected Commander Erwin. Eren could recall the even gaze of the Commander, how he had so easily bargained for him in the trail and the gentle-but-firm way he had shaken his hand, like he was a soldier instead of a weapon. 

If Erwin was levelheaded, Hange was his foil. She spoke with flailing hands and a pitch that rose and fell in ways Eren had never heard before. She yelped and cried and grabbed him by the shoulders with no hesitation. Where Erwin treated him like any other cadet, Hange was hyper interested, overjoyed by the talents he had hidden inside him. Both gave Eren a strange feeling, but both were preferable to feeling like a pariah. 

Hange came with her own crew, who kept very busy cataloguing her medical research. The most horrifying of all were the hulking forms of Sonnie and Bean, who lay strapped down in the neighboring fields. Real, live titans, completely immobile, but still incredibly dangerous. Eren couldn’t bring himself to get too close, and it seemed the rest of Hange’s squad felt the same way, however they had a duty to perform. Hange conducted experiments day and night, and was eager to do the same to Eren, but thanks to Erwin’s good graces, these were withheld until the Survey Corps had more direction. Erwin had described Eren as their trump card. Eren’s cheeks had burned, and he wasn’t sure if it was with pride or shame. 

It was a whole week after that when things finally got better for the first time in a long time. Eren was awoken like any other morning, unshackled and allowed to dress. He climbed the stairs in search of breakfast, but found the entire kitchen buzzing with activity. He caught sight of the Captain and frowned in confusion.

“Oh, Jaeger, there you are,” Levi had said, clapping him hard on the shoulder, “The other cadets just arrived. I can’t get your sister off my back, she’s hounding me for your location. For fucks sake, will you tell you’re alive? Arlert, too.” 

Eren’s heart swelled with excitement and his eyes widened, “They’re here? Really?” 

“What did I just say? They’re out front. I’m having a hard enough time trying to feed them all without more dumb questions.” 

Eren didn’t bother arguing, he flashed the Captain a glowing smile and bolted from the kitchen. His boots squeaked down the hallway as he ran, clamoring outside to where he could see the gathered group of tan jackets and white pants, his friends, alive and well. 

He saw Mikasa first, who seemed to suck in her breath in anticipation, calling out his name.

The others turned and began to wave, everyone looked cheerful, if not a little tired. Armin was easy to spot with his golden hair. Had it always been that golden, or was it a trick of the light? It was as if his eyes had to readjust to the coloring. His world was no longer shades of grey and sepia, his friends were there with pink in their cheeks, brilliantly colored eyes. 

He collided with them, throwing his arms around both Armin and Mikasa, hugging them close. Their smells were instantly familiar and instantly comforting, both like home. 

“Eren!” Armin chirped, and Mikasa’s hands were on his cheeks, squishing and pulling.

“Have they been experimenting on you? Where have you been sleeping? Are you getting enough to eat?” 

“Hey now,” Eren gently pushed at her hands, but smiled. Her doting was irritating, but after so long, even that was nice to hear, “I’m fine, I’m fine. I missed you both! I didn’t know when I’d see you again, god, I was- I don’t know!” He laughed, sounding relieved. 

His eyes fell on Armin, and it didn’t take too long to notice something was off. Armin’s color wasn’t right, he looked pale. He had circles under his eyes. His cheeks slightly sunken.

“Are you okay, Armin?” He asked, voice immediately showing concern. It was his turn to dote now, he pushed a strand of hair behind Armin’s ear, “Have you been sick?” 

Armin was quick to shrug, looking sheepish, “Oh, I’m fine,” He assured, giving Eren the smile he’d missed so much, “I was a bit motion sick, from the ride. I’m really alright, though. I’ll feel better soon.” 

“He was throwing up the whole way.” Mikasa cut in, not mincing any details, “They had to give him a bucket.” 

Eren wrinkled his nose, “Jeez. You should come in and have some water. The captain is getting breakfast for everyone together, if you want some.” 

Armin shook his head quickly, “I better not. I’m still, um,” He swallowed and Eren took a step back, not wanting to get vomited on, “Still queasy.” 

“Suit yourself.” He replied, and reached over to gently run his hand along Armin’s back. It was hard to not be touching after such a long period of separation. After three years of bunking together, three weeks apart felt like forever. 

“So, everyone here joined the Survey Corps?” Eren asked, finally taking the time to asses his peers. There was far more than he’d expected, almost the entire 104th. Sasha, Connie, Christa, Ymir, Reiner and Berthold. He had never imagined this outcome. It felt good to be fighting with his friends at his side, maybe they would be able to make some sort of difference towards humanity. 

“Almost everyone.” Mikasa supplied, “Actually… most of who you see missing are-” 

“Dead. Marco is dead.” Eren turned to see Jean, who looked pallid. 

“What?” He replied, feeling shocked. His stomach dropped. They had barely just started out, it didn’t seem right they had lost Marco. It must’ve been a mistake. Eren could see him so clearly in his mind, a head taller than him, freckles on his nose, always laughing. He belonged with the group, he had to be here somewhere.

“Marco died at Trost. I found him. We don’t know how it happened.” The others were listening now, and the group drew in closer, Christa wiped at her cheek. 

Jean sounded cold, but pained. His eyes were puffy. It was clear he had been crying. 

Eren still protested, Marco should have been there, “No, no, he’s not dead-” He saw the way Jean’s eyebrows furrowed in distress, the way Armin’s bottom lip trembled. It had to be true, then. He was the first of them, the first friend to go. 

It turned Eren’s stomach that the first place his mind went to was that it could have easily been Armin or Mikasa instead. Was it sick to be glad it hadn’t been them? His heart still ached at the loss, but at the same time, he felt grateful. How selfish of him. Maybe, he thought, this was part of being a monster. 

“Gather up, soldiers!” A booming voice interrupted them, and Eren was glad for it. He didn’t know how he could face Jean’s grief, how to respond to it. For Jean, it had been like losing Armin or Mikasa. It had been the worst case scenario. He remembered how Marco and Jean had shared a bunk all those years, wondered how he was adjusting to sleeping alone. 

“Your uniforms are here.” Two of Hange’s soldiers held folded stacks of green fabric, the emblem of the Survey Corps stamped large on the back, easily visible.

Eren watched as his friends donned their new cloaks, taking one for himself as well. Everything would change now. This was just the start.


	4. teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> armin goes to the doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which armin says "oh well guess ill just die" about twenty times in one chapter
> 
> edited this chapter to remove annie and replace her with reiner- forgot she joins the military police oops! sorry!!

Another week had passed, and something was very wrong.

Armin awoke that morning with the chills, he’d hugged his blanket around his shoulders and hoped that maybe he’d be able to catch another five minutes of rest while everyone got ready. He’d been waking up exhausted every morning, and the effects were starting to show on him. His skin was pale and sallow, his eyes tired and red. The bags underneath them were not something that could be solved with an afternoon nap. He looked really and truly worn.

Resigned to the idea that sleeping another several minutes would not be possible, he sat up, the itchy wool still wrapped around him. As the world righted itself in his vision, he was hit with the sickening lurch of his stomach turning, and then his head began to spin.

Before he could get up to hurry to the bathroom, he leaned over and vomited directly on the floor.

Everyone stopped. Jean, his bunkmate, hurried to his side, belts half on. 

“Jesus Christ, Armin,” He moaned, wrinkling his nose in disgust, “Are you okay?” 

Armin tried to nod, wiping his mouth wearily with the back of his hand, but he almost slid onto the floor, feeling hazy. Jean’s arms steadied him, keeping him upright. 

“I’m getting Mikasa, okay? Stay where you are.” Armin would have protested, he hated to cause any kind of scene, to inconvenience, but Mikasa would know what to do. 

Reiner, who had been nearby in only an undershirt and pants, took Jean’s place and held Armin’s shoulder’s steady. Passed embarrassment, he let his head loll against Reiner’s side. 

He vaguely heard Jean announce that everyone had better be decent, and then Reiner was helping him up onto shaky legs. 

“Can you walk?” It was Mikasa now, smelling of soap, her hair pulled into a tight ponytail. 

Armin let out a weak sound that was neither affirmative or negative, and without a word, Mikasa had scooped him into her arms as if he weighed nothing at all.

He closed his eyes as Mikasa held him, hiding his face in her jacket. He could have slept that way, Mikasa’s arms were so strong that he hardly felt any of the movement at all. The embarrassment of someone seeing him this way had not quite affected him yet, though he was sure it would come. For the meantime, his biggest focus was not vomiting again. 

He was deposited onto a cot and sleepily he peered around, trying to identify his surroundings. It was some sort of medical unit, however everything was strewn about in piles. Stacks of books, gauze tossed carelessly into a corner. Section Commander Hange’s organizational skills were evident even in Armin’s weakened state. 

“Now, what’s wrong with him?” Hange asked, and Armin caught sight of her as she leered over him, doing some sort of ocular assessment.

“He threw up in his bunk. He’s been unwell since we arrived last week.” 

Hange pulled at his eyelid, poked at his cheek. Armin squinted dully, feeling a bit overwhelmed and very small. Like a butterfly about to have its wings pinned. 

“I can see that.” She let go of his face abruptly, “Mikasa, would you go get him some water?” 

Mikasa did what she was told quickly and efficiently, as always. Armin tried not to throw up again. He had nothing left inside, he knew it’d be all bile, which burned all the way up. He’d gotten accustomed to it in the last several weeks.

Armin was sure, just as he had been when he’d been so rudely awoken by the pool of blood between his thighs, that he was dying. He’d caught some kind of virus that was eating him from the inside out. He’d been content to just empty his guts every morning and move on, pretend like nothing was happening. He’d die quietly, maybe of starvation. He could hardly keep anything down and it’d been showing. The last time he’d looked in the mirror, he could see his ribs. 

Hange had been there that night to clean him up, and she was here now, staring at him with narrowed eyes, scrutinizing every inch. 

“You’ve been sick since you got here?” She asked again, taking a cloth to Armin’s forehead and dabbing the cold sweat that had beaded up there. 

“Before.” Armin said softly, feeling pitiful, like a sick child. He was a sick child. The realization made his heart race. 

“How long before?” Hange cupped his cheeks in her hands, opening his mouth, taking his temperature.

“A few days.” His voice came out funny with the thermometer between his lips, he felt so, so stupid like this. Mikasa held his hand. She set the cup of water on the table beside the cot. Mikasa always knew what to do.

“You don’t have a fever.” Hange noted, and took out her scratch paper, scribbling furiously. 

“Does that mean he’s alright?” Mikasa interjected, pushing back Armin’s bangs and stroking his hair. He closed his eyes pitifully, leaning into her touch. 

“Maybe.” She replied curtly, “Lift up your shirt.” 

Mikasa looked at Hange sharply, her gaze growing somewhat cold. Armin blinked, watching the interaction with silent curiosity. 

Slowly, as if his limbs were weighted down, he moved to comply, untucking his shirt and unbuttoning with shaking hands. Mikasa rested her hands on his, stopping him, working the rest of the buttons with practiced ease. He silently thanked her with a nod. 

Hange’s cold hands were on his bare skin, pressing and squishing him, pinching what fat she could between her fingers. Armin shivered, staring up at the ceiling, willing it to be over. Maybe Hange would find some kind of horrible growth or tumor, pronounce his impending death while Mikasa watched on helplessly. 

“Do you have sex, Armin?” Mikasa’s grip on his hand became tight and strained, her knuckles going white. Armin’s cheeks went hot and red. He didn’t know what to say.

His eyes moved frantically between Hange and Mikasa, “Um- I mean,” He felt anxious. What did that have to do with anything?

“It’s okay,” Hange reassured, “I’m not going to tell on you.” She smirked. Mikasa scowled.

“Yes.” He said, feeling small. He remembered Eren’s mouth on him in the cell, how his thighs had shook, the warm feeling of it. 

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” 

“No.” Mikasa interrupted, “No, it’s not that.” 

Hange bit her lip, raising her eyebrows. Armin stared between them once more, searching for understanding. What had he done? 

“It was- I’m not sure,” He searched his brain for answers, trying to recall the last time he’d woken up with that sick, warm feeling, “Two months ago, probably. I’m sorry, I’m not sure.” 

Mikasa let go of his hand, holding her head. Armin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Hange sighed heavily. 

“Well, there’s your answer.” She said flatly, clearly unamused with whatever conclusion she had come to, that Mikasa had come to, that Armin was still struggling to understand.

“What- what’s wrong with me?” His eyes turned to Mikasa, pleading with her. 

“Armin,” Hange sat down beside him, taking her hand to guide him up to a sitting position, “You’re pregnant.” 

“What?” Armin felt nothing but disbelief. 

Medically, it checked out. He had a working uterus, ovaries, he bled once a month. Eren came inside him. He always did. But it couldn’t be right. Mother’s had children. Not soldiers, not little boys. Not titans. 

Mothers were older, they didn’t look like Armin. They looked strong with thick hips and large breasts, eyes that crinkled in the corner, aprons and flour coated hands. Armin hadn't even had a mother. 

“You’re probably about six weeks pregnant. Not much to see,” Hange gestured to Armin’s stomach, which remained flat as ever, “You’re not the first, I promise you that. It’s up to you what you want to do with it. Do I need to notify anyone of the, uh… good news?” 

Mikasa’s hands were shaking and Armin searched her face for an answer but found none. She only held the cup of water up for him to take, which he did, and gulped it down quickly. It washed away the taste of bile that still stung the back of his throat. 

“Eren.” He said quietly, eyes downcast. What a shameful secret. 

“Excuse me?” Hange replied, imploring him to speak up.

“It belongs to Eren. It’s his baby.” 

It was like a crackle of electricity had shot through the room. Hange’s eyes lit up, and she was standing, rifling through books, strewing papers around the room, scribbling frantically in a notepad. 

“Eren?! It’s Eren’s? Oh-!” A wide grin spread across her face and Armin suddenly felt sick again, not able to understand what the cause for excitement was. 

“This is incredible. This is excellent!” Mikasa had stiffened, her hand coming to rest on Armin’s shoulder protectively, grip firm. A warning. 

“Why?” She said sharply, narrowed eyes staring coldly at Hange, a challenge, “What is excellent about this? He’s sick from it.” 

“We know-” Hange slammed a book down, opening it up, “Nothing about how titans reproduce!” 

For Armin, the room spun. 

“This could be our chance!” She rapidly flipped the pages, opening it up to a full spread of diagrams, titan insides, “It’s a wonderful opportunity… who knows what’s in there!” Hange reached out to touch Armin’s stomach again, and he jolted back, Mikasa wrapped her arms around him, guarding him. 

Everything paused and Hange seemed to realize she’d gotten ahead of herself. She inhaled deeply, 

“I think you’d better stay here, Armin. I need to run some tests.” 

“No.” Mikasa cut in, “I’m taking him back to his bunk. He needs to sleep.” 

“Don’t be hasty, you’re alright, Armin, I’d just really like to check out-”

“No.” She held steadfast, “I’m taking him.” 

Hange bit her lip, clearly not ready to get her prime test subject taken away when she had been so close to some kind of discovery. Armin had become her prime focus, as if they world had shifted to revolve solely on him and whatever hid inside him. 

She breathed in, and then out through the nose, holding her hands out in front of her defensively. 

“Okay. But you know he’ll have to be back. Tomorrow, even. I have vitamins I can order, he’ll need to be monitored. Especially because of the special circumstance.” 

Mikasa nodded gravely and helped Armin to his feet. He wavered slightly, and gripped her arm to steady himself. Mikasa turned to button up Armin’s open shirt with care. It was loose. She swallowed hard, pushing back the thought that it probably wouldn’t be for long. She had prayed this wouldn’t happen. There would be no happy ending in a world like this. Humanity would not allow it. 

She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and guided him towards the door as quickly as she could. The thought of Eren being experimented on was hard enough, now that it could happen to Armin as well, it was almost too much to bear. 

Mikasa was in such a hurry she hardly noticed Reiner loitering in the doorway. If he hadn't taken up most of the space to get through the hallway, she probably would've bypassed him completely. He looked pale. Mikasa assessed him quickly. How long had he been there? What had she heard? Reiner's mouth was in a straight, tight line, "I just wanted to make sure Armin was okay." He cleared his throat. 

"He's fine." Mikasa said curtly, and side stepped him without a backwards glance.

Armin kept his eyes on the floor, still trying to understand what had happened. He tried to focus his energy into where he thought his womb was, he imagined it like a pocket. 

He felt as if he would know immediately that something as foreign as a monster had taken root inside him. Besides the sickness, nothing felt terribly wrong inside. Maybe it took time. He felt scared. How could he tell Eren? If there really was something awful in him, something that would kill him, Eren would never forgive himself. He would have to suffer this silently, until he was sure. 

Reiner stared at him, head turning to look, before he ducked out of view, Mikasa continued to usher Armin silently up the stairs. 

He was tucked back into bed without any protest. He didn’t really have any fight left in him, mind wandering to so many different places he could hardly give Mikasa a “thanks”. She left him with a kiss on the forehead, lips draw tight. He had ignored the way her hands had shook when she’d drawn the blanket over him. He didn’t want to think about it.

Armin curled up on his side and hugged himself. The other soldiers had all dressed and reported for their duties and he could hear only their footsteps on the floor above him. Armin was alone.

He was sure Eren would be awake by now, released from his shackles. Perhaps Mikasa had warned him to stay away, told him that he was sick. Hopefully Hange hadn’t already shouted the news to anyone who would listen. The way she had looked when he’d said “Eren”, the way her eyes lit up with excitement, it made his stomach do flips. How was this anything to be happy about? If this didn’t kill him, it would make him useless. He had seen pregnant women before in Shiganshina when he had been a child. Women who held their lower backs as they walked, their swollen bellies making them slow and careful. They had all looked so uncomfortable. Babies were a dangerous business. More than one women had bled out and died because of it, leaving behind a helpless infant, and none had been as young as him. 

Armin couldn’t imagine how his body, small as it was, could even possibly accommodate such a thing, much less be strong enough to survive it. Maybe he would lose it. It would understand the mistake it had made, trying to root in such a stunted environment. The problem would solve itself. Miscarriages were common, and the odds were in Armin’s favor. How many years had it been that he’d lived in borderline starvation? It took a healthy body to grow a child, and Armin could hardly grow himself. 

Tearfully, he fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming again and again of something swimming around inside him, like a big fish. He tried to tell Eren that it wasn’t right, but Eren kissed him, blissfully happy. It was too late when he realized whatever was inside Armin was going to eat it’s way out. 

“Armin?” 

He gasped, sitting up in bed with a start, covered in a sheen of cold sweat and trying to place his surroundings. 

He was in his bunk, but the light that filtered through the window was orange. He had been sleeping for hours, it had to be afternoon now. Had he imagined the entire morning? 

“I heard you were sick.” It was Eren, sitting beside him, looking concerned and holding a small platter of food. 

“Oh,” Armin said sleepily, wiping his eyes as he attempted to get up to speed, “Yes. I think I caught something.” He lied. 

“I brought you some lunch, Mikasa said you hadn’t eaten all day,” He reached up, gently stroking Armin’s cheek, “You’ve been looking so thin…” he trailed off.

Armin frowned. He’d never meant to worry Eren. To take up space in his mind that could be used for something more efficient. 

“I’m really okay. Section Commander Hange said so. I’m just,” Armin frowned, “Just a little sick.” 

“Yeah, well, eat this, okay?” He moved the tray into Armin’s lap. A hot bowl of soup and two small loaves of bread. Eren had clearly bargained with someone for extra servings. Armin’s heart ached.

He almost didn’t want Eren to waste food on him, if he was just going to die. How undignified of an ending it would be if he truly was just an incubator for something that could destroy all of them. 

When Armin didn’t move, Eren picked up the spoon, filling it with noodles and broth. He held it to Armin’s lips. 

He took a long look into Eren’s eyes. He looked earnest and trusting, worried. He looked at Armin with love. 

He took a bite.

 

After he’d eaten his fill, Eren had kissed his forehead and left. 

Armin laid down once more and closed his eyes. He didn’t move when he heard the other soldiers coming back to their bunks. When Jean tucked into bed beside him. When he began to hear the even sound of slowed breathing, deep inhale and exhale. Reiner’s snores. 

He didn’t fall asleep until long after that, when it was so dark he couldn’t see his hand in front of him. 

Armin dreamed of sharp, white teeth and grabbing hands. Holding his insides in. Eren’s eyes.


	5. crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the 57th expedition outside the wall goes very, very badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is where the canon noncompliance really gets going! i wanted to thank everyone for reading and commenting, it's so motivating for me!
> 
> i also just wanted to note that in the last two chapters i had made the mistake of including annie, even though she joined the military police, so i edited those sections and put reiner in her place instead during armins appointment. 
> 
> thank you everyone!!!! also i updated the tags so be wary

Regardless of anything that had happened to Armin on the day he’d been sick, Eren remained none the wiser. 

Nothing changed for him, his days were just as they were before the other cadets had arrived. Endless training, memorizing formations, and of course, cleaning. They were preparing for a mission, after all, and time didn’t stop for that. Particularly one to occur only thirty days after their arrival.

It gave him a sick sort of feeling to think about it. On one hand, going outside the walls was everything he’d ever wanted to do. It filled him with excitement, the possibility of going home. At the same time, he felt dread. It was likely to be dangerous. Eren didn’t worry for himself, he hardly ever did, but the thought of losing friends, of losing Mikasa and Armin, made his stomach turn. He could only hope that when the time came, he’d be able to protect them. 

Squad Levi had attempted to prepare him for the mission as best as they could, trying to trigger his titan power on command. It had been a horrible feeling when he hadn’t been able to make it work. Useless and helpless, all at once, sitting in the bottom of a well with his hands chewed up and bloody. His mouth had tasted of iron and his cheeks were hot with shame. 

Of course, he had to have a purpose. A clear goal before he could transform, which was a good discovery. He was considered safer that way. As long as he was told what to do, he could do it, and that meant he could fight for them. Small scars on every member’s hands linked them together. They’d scarred themselves for him. They trusted him. He wouldn’t let them down. 

This had given him a new freedom, and he was finally released from the cellar, trusted enough to integrate with the other cadets. 

“Jean?” Eren asked, clearly on edge, “You’re bunking with Jean?” 

“Well- yes, but I’m sure he’d move if you asked. You weren’t here, you know.” 

“I know.” Eren huffed. 

Armin was in bed, looking comfortable in a white nightshirt and a book in his lap. He didn’t look as ill as the last time Eren had seen him, which made him feel relieved, but he still had a hollowness to his face that was concerning. 

As if he had sensed the commotion, Jean came back from the showers, hair wet and dripping onto his cotton shirt. 

“Jean, move your stuff, I want your bunk.” Eren crossed his arms. Connie let out the soft ‘ohhhh’ of an impending altercation. 

“I don’t have to move my stuff. You got here late.” He toweled off his hair and tossed it casually into his laundry bag, clearly trying to look as unbothered as possible. 

“Yes, you do, because Armin’s my bunkmate.” 

Armin peered up behind his book, looking very over the entire situation, “No need to fight over me, boys.” He said with a smirk.

Jean’s cheeks burned and Connie exploded into laughter. Eren looked undeterred. 

“Fine. Connie?” Jean asked, eyebrows furrowed, hoping someone else would take him in.

“Take me out to dinner first!” He yelled from his bunk across the room, and Jean rolled his eyes, reluctantly gathering his things and dumping them onto Connie’s. 

Eren, feeling pleased with how things had turned out, quickly set up his sleeping roll and blankets and crawled into bed. It had been so long since he’d had Armin beside him, even just reading quietly, it was familiar and comforting. Armin was usually cold, and Eren ran hot, like a furnace, so he’d gotten quite used to holding Armin at night, getting his hair in his face. He slept better that way. 

Lights out came quickly, and Eren was eager to sleep. Armin methodically put his book away and blew out his candle, slipping under the covers. Eren hurriedly wrapped his arms around him and tugged him close to his chest. 

“I missed you.” Eren said, barely above a whisper. His lips brushed Armin’s ear. 

“Are they going to let you stay?” Armin replied, arms wrapped around Eren’s shoulders, holding on tightly. 

“I think so.” 

They were quiet for a while, just getting silently acquainted with being close. In the dining hall or in lectures, Eren could never touch Armin like this. He could sit close, put a hand on his thigh, if he was feeling bold, but holding him was reserved entirely for lights out. For training expeditions in tents. For showers when everyone was sleeping. These were the things he’d been deprived of since he’d become a weapon. Closeness.

“Are you still sick?” Eren asked tentatively, “You don’t feel warm.” 

Armin’s breath caught in his throat. He should tell him. Eren deserved to know. He was so cautious, even now, he hardly let Eren’s hands get near his stomach, although there was nothing to see. He’d spent his days training with the others, and taking frequent visits to Hange, who poked and prodded him, drew his blood, measured his waist, gave him pills. He’d done this day in and day out without any questions or suspicion. 

Hange had told Erwin and Erwin only, who had pulled Armin aside one day with his strong hands and calm gaze. 

“If you don’t want to come on the expedition, you won’t be penalized.” He had said. Hange had recommended that he didn’t. He was a vessel for something valuable that should be protected.

“No, commander,” Armin replied, straightening his posture, “I’m going.” 

He would not be counted out, deemed useless or breakable. And if something happened, that was the course of things. It would probably be better for him that the pregnancy ended quietly, passed off as an injury in battle. No one needed to find out. Hange had even warned him against horseback riding. 

He pressed his forehead up against Eren’s, breathing in deeply. If he survived the mission, he would tell Eren afterwards. That was fair. If he died, he would never have to know what could have been. It was better for both of them that way. 

“I’m better.” He lied, and kissed him on the mouth. 

The next morning, everyone was awoken by the sounds of screams.

The screams carried down the hallway and were loud enough that, even in the bunks, cadets shot up in bed with their hands over their ears.

“What’s going on?” Armin wondered allowed, hand clasped over his chest where he could feel his heart beating. Something must be very wrong.

Eren didn’t answer him, he was dressing frantically, tugging on his straps in case the worst had happened. If titans had gotten all the way out here, there was probably little they could do. But these were the best, after all, he soothed himself with that thought, maybe they would be okay if they acted fast. 

Armin peered around, everyone was doing the same, gearing up. With a shuddery breath, he swallowed down his nausea to follow suit. 

Even after everyone had gotten dressed, the screaming had not stopped. It was easy to find the source, soldiers were running outside on the lawn, and just a few yards away, smoke filled the sky in great puffs. Could it be a fire of some kind?

Once they got closer, it was evident that it was not smoke, but steam. Titan steam. Eren set his jaw. 

The sight they came upon when they finally arrived was not one they had expected. 

It was Hange in hysterics, screaming and crying, running between the two giant piles of ash that had been her precious subjects. Sonnie and Bean. 

Eren and Armin both let out a collective sigh of relief, but it was still puzzling. Eren hadn’t liked being around the titans, that was for sure, but he understood they were there to study, to advance humanity’s knowledge. It was clear just by looking at the bodies that were quickly evaporating, whatever had been done to them had been done on purpose. Had someone done this out of rage? Fear? Or something more insidious. Eren couldn’t quite connect the dots, but Armin could. 

Looking at the steam billowing into the sky, Armin was sure of one thing: whoever had done this was on the titan’s side, and that meant they were all in danger. 

 

The morning of the mission came quickly after that, and everyone was stony faced. Breakfast was picked at, some cadet’s had bags under their eyes from a restless sleep. Erwin encouraged them all to eat well, they would need their strength, but only the seasoned soldiers of Squad Levi seemed to heed the advice. They joked as always, looking cool and collected, teasing the new cadets about wetting themselves on their very first mission. 

It was supposed to be a fairly easy operation. Find a path to Shiganshina. Avoid titans all together. The flares were to be launched with different colors signifying different meanings. The messages passed from flank to flank. They were to keep their ranks tight, and not break formation. If they did all these things correctly, they should avoid casualties. 

Still, the nervous energy was tangible. Inside the way, things were routine, they all knew what to expect, but outside, anything could happen. 

Armin noticed that Erwin and Levi were particularly tight lipped, although their squads seemed relaxed. They sat close and talked amongst themselves, voices at a whisper.

Reiner nudged Armin, startling him from his thoughts. 

“Are you feeling better?” Reiner asked, voice low, staring directly at him. Armin frowned, mind wandering back to Hange’s office, Reiner in the hallway, how heavy his gaze was. 

“Um, yes.” He replied, a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Reiner smiled, then, and all of a sudden Armin felt stupid for feeling suspicious. Reiner was his friend, and a good one at that. 

“Good.” he said, and clapped Armin on the back. 

 

The first titan they encounter outside the walls is large and clumsy. Armin assessed it quickly. It’s abnormal for sure, the panic in his throat makes his limbs feel sluggish, but he shakily managed to fire his flare. He’s with experienced teammates, Ness and Siss who make quick work of it. Armin watched, stunned, from his horse, and tried not to vomit. The titan fell with a crash, dead.

He felt a rush of relief, even letting himself smile. The wind was whipping his hair, and he was outside. Truly outside. Wasn’t this what he always wanted?

The relief didn’t last long, because it wasn’t long before another titan appeared on the horizon. Quickly, he shot another flare. Something felt very wrong.

The right flank was meant to draw titans away, they shouldn’t have made it so far into the formation. He heard Ness and Siss grumble with irritation. Maybe it was dumb luck. Either way, it was clear this titan was abnormal, because of the way it had avoided the right flank.

Suddenly, Armin’s heart was in his throat. This titan was fast. Incredibly fast. And gaining on them quickly. He could see, even from the distance, something was different.

Ness and Siss descended on it, going directly for the nape. In horror, Armin watched as the titan slapped them out of the sky like gnats. This was not right. 

She was shaped like a woman, which was something Armin had thought was impossible, and she moved like one, too. Like a human. Instantly, he corrallated the strangely articulated movements to the way Eren had been at Trost. She had to be another shifter. 

She was swinging Ness around macabrely, and Armin could see that he was completely limp and leaking red all over the grass. Siss had been crushed and tossed aside like a ragdoll. His entire squad, dead in minutes, and he was surely next. God, is this really how he would die? Obliterated by another human inside a monster, when there was likely a monster inside him, as well. He dry heaved, and she turned, looking directly at him.

Panicked, Armin began to ride as fast as he could in the opposite direction, ignoring the heavy footsteps behind him. He was in a blind panic, just trying to make it to safety. If she had come from the right flank, that entire squad had likely been destroyed as well. He lifted his concrete arms to fire a black flare. 

The steps were becoming louder and louder until she was on top of him. The force of the steps startled his horse, and he was thrown, hitting the ground and rolling.

The world spun. His head ached so badly, he could barely breathe. The shock had knocked all the air out of him. He was going to die like this. Helpless on the ground, with no one to witness it. He could hear her kneel beside him. 

Horrified, Armin turned to meet her gaze. It was as if the world had paused around them. 

If he hadn’t been sure before, he was sure now. Her eyes were cold, icy blue, and Armin could see human recognition in them. This was someone on a mission. Someone who knew him. 

She surveyed him up and down before standing up, and leaving. 

Armin gasped, trying to catch his breath, watching as she sprinted away. His chest felt hollow, as if he couldn’t keep air inside, and panting, he leaned over and vomited into the grass. 

She had looked at him. Seen who he was, and left. Titans had one primary goal, to eat, and this titan did not share that goal. She killed in cold blood and ignored the bodies. Ignored him. She hadn’t even bothered. What was she looking for? 

A human had done this. 

With a cacophony of sound, aid had arrived. Reiner rushed in on his horse, immediately getting down to help him up, avoiding the sick. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, “What happened?” 

Armin waiting a moment to be able to speak, panting in an effort to catch his breath. 

“She- I-” He swallowed hard, “My entire squad was wiped out.” his hands went to his head, holding it. He’d hit the ground on his back. Maybe he would have a miscarriage. Maybe he would bleed out and die. 

“A titan- another shifter, she looked at me and left.” Reiner’s eyebrows furrowed as he contemplated Armin’s words. 

“Can you ride?” He asked as he steadied Armin to his feet. Gravely, Armin nodded. He would have to go on, no matter what. 

Reiner untied his additional horse and took Armin’s hand, guiding him onto the saddle before mounting his own. Armin shook his head to clear the haze from it, blinking hard. Things were starting to become clearer. 

“We need to warn the others, she’s going to wipe out everyone.” 

Reiner gestured behind them, “Jean’s got it covered.” A yellow flair trailed into the sky and Armin could see Jean approaching them quickly on his horse, catching up to ride beside them.

“The entire right flanks been wiped out by a titan hoard. They were too fast, there’s no more look-outs. Just our luck, right?” Jean looked worn-out, “And what’s this abnormal doing running away from us?” 

“She’s not an abnormal,” Armin repeated, “She’s like Eren. She’s a shifter.” 

 

“What makes you say that?” Reiner asked, sounding cold, a little worried. Armin never imagined he’d see Reiner looking scared. He had always seemed to be very collected.

“It’s not right… when she killed my squad members, she killed them outright. She protected her nape. She didn’t bother eating the bodies. She took a look at me and kept going. She has a clear objective. A titan’s objective is to eat people, and that’s it. I bet she called the hoard, too.”

Jean frowned, “What do you think she wants?” 

“Probably Eren.” Reiner quipped, and Armin’s heart sunk. Of course it was Eren she wanted. He could probably connect this to Sonnie and Bean, as well. Something wasn’t right. 

They were chasing after her now, and Armin could almost feel his brain rattling around his head whenever she took a step. Titans really were so unbelievably large, it was overwhelming just being beside one, even if she was ignoring them. 

Reiner and Jean argued over Eren’s place in the formation until Armin realized his blueprints of the plan had been different as well. All three of the placements seemed strategically wrong.

If Eren was their trump card, he would be somewhere protected, not on lookout. 

“Where do you think Eren is?” Reiner asked, and turned his head toward Armin.

“He’s likely in the center column.” He spoke decidedly, still watching the way the titan sprinted ahead of them. It seemed like she was slowing down since her first appearance, but still, she was making good time towards the inner flanks, which would be disastrous for the mission.

Frantically they devised a plan. If they could buy the other soldiers enough time to regroup, so they could call a retreat, or reorganize the cadets, they might all make it out. 

Armin felt stupid. It wouldn’t be hard for her to wipe them all out, did he really have a death wish? He remembered the way Jean had called Eren a suicidal bastard. Maybe they all were. Erwin had warned him of the casualty rate, and yet here they all were, ready to fight. 

They all tugged their hoods on tight, and Armin went in first. In hindsight, it wasn’t the most intelligent move. Armin, while definitely the smartest, was the weakest fighter, and it was inevitable that he’d be knocked down, or even killed, particularly in his state.

As if on queue, she slapped him down, and Armin felt the world spin again. Jean called his name, and he hit the ground hard, harder than last time. Something was blurring his vision, everything was red and splotchy. He reached up, shakily, to touch his face and found it was warm and wet. Blood. 

He didn’t hear anything break and could move around alright, but his head hurt badly and he could hear his pulse in his ears. He could barely see. 

After rubbing the blood from his eyes, he could make out Jean, who had been caught by his maneuver gear, dangling on a thread. It would be seconds before she smashed him into the ground, and from the height he was at, it wasn’t likely he’d survive. Armin had to think of something quickly. A simple distraction.

If it was Eren she was after, he could work with that.

“Jean!” He screamed, voice hoarse and cracking in desperation, “She killed my best friend!” 

Everything stopped.

“You have to kill her! My best friend is dead because of her. I saw her step on him!” 

In the seconds they had won, Jean yanked himself free, and Reiner had hurtled himself towards the nape of her neck. 

Jean tumbled to the ground beside Armin, shaking, and quickly moved to check Armin’s head, wrinkling his nose at all the blood.

“You’re not dying.” He said, smirking weakly, and Armin returned a small smile. 

It only took a moment for the Female Titan to grab Reiner in her hands, and Jean whipped away from Armin to stare in horror. His head poked out, but her massive thumb had shoved him inside her fist. There was a strange noise, and then a fountain of blood. 

Armin retched, holding his stomach. Jean gasped in shock, his hand outstretched as if to do something, but it was no avail. 

As soon as it seemed like all was lost, Reiner came spinning out of her grasp, covered in blood. Upon closer inspection, the blood wasn’t his. He seemed to have cut his way free. 

Before anything more could be done, she had turned and began to run again. Reiner ran towards them, scooped Armin into his arms and they ran the opposite direction. With no horses, they had no hope of surviving 

Hidden by the trees, Reiner tended to Armin’s wound, wrapping his forehead carefully with gauze to stem the bleeding. 

He was definitely concussed. The world was spinning and his balance was poor. Waves of nausea passed over him, but he wasn’t certain if it was from his head or the baby. God, the baby, if that was even what it was. If it was even still inside him after everything that had happened. He’d heard of women losing babies from less than what he had just experienced. Hange would be furious with him. He was glad, relieved, he hadn’t decided to tell Eren. He had made the right decision. 

He wondered if he would know when it happened, if it would hurt. He imagined there would be some bleeding. Maybe cramping. He could blame it on a heavy period. Armin already had blood all over him, he was sure no one would notice, even in white pants. 

So far, everything felt the same. He let his hand fall against his belly, waiting to see if there was any difference. Logically, he knew there wouldn’t be. He was around eight weeks now, and from what he’d read, he probably wouldn’t show for another three or four weeks. He had at least that long to come up with a way to tell Eren, if he was still alive by then. 

It was Christa who, in the end, came to their rescue. 

 

Eren, on the other hand, had no such luck. 

He was careening through the forest of giant trees with no direction or plan. The Captain had no advice for them, only insisting that they continued. He’d watched several cadets die at the hands of the giant titan behind them who only drew closer. 

He’d tried to make eye contact with the rest of Squad Levi, wondering if this was something that happened a lot, but was only met with confusion mirroring his own. Even Petra appeared to be distressed. He considered shifting many times, his brain screaming at him to do something as he watched his fellow soldiers get swatted into trees like flies. 

His mind continued to wander to Armin and Mikasa. The right flank had been completely wiped out, had they been apart of that? Had they been scared? If he had missed out on a chance to protect them, he would never forgive himself. 

It seemed like things were closing in on them. The titan was almost on top of the squad, he didn’t even know how long horses could keep up at such a frantic pace, and everyone was getting antsy. 

Eren felt as if he’d explode if he continued doing nothing, and he held his thumbs to his lips, ready to make the call. If Levi was going to force them to watch on as their friends died, he had to take action.

“Eren, no!” Petra shouted, and upon seeing the fear in her eyes, he nodded solemnly, letting his hand fall. 

Just as it became almost impossible to keep up and it seemed they were all about to be crushed, there was a giant explosion. 

The Captain continued to usher them away, leading them further down the path, but there was no one chasing them anymore. It became clear that this had been the plan from the start. 

The Female Titan had been immobilized using harpoons. She stood crouched, both hands covering the nape of her neck. A cornered animal.

 

In the meanwhile, Armin stood grouped with the other cadets at the entrance of the forest. They were put on lookout, but judging by the sounds coming from in the trees, something had gotten inside without their notice. 

It was gunfire, and then a tremendous yell that sounded inhuman. Everyone peered around, unnerved. Armin felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. This was not typical. 

He hoped the noise hadn’t come from Eren. That had been in the forefront of his mind for quite some time. Eren hadn’t shifted, had he? That would mean things were really bad. Which, by what he had heard, things were really bad. The Female Titan had wreaked havoc on their mission. There was rumors they had caught her, but Armin didn’t know what to believe. Unless Erwin had planned the mission this way all along, he found it unlikely they would have the means to capture her. Or maybe that was exactly what had happened. 

He met Mikasa’s eyes from across the forest, her eyebrows were knitted together with concern. The titans that had been gathered beneath the trees, pawing at the bark, salivating, were gone. They’d run into the forest after they’d heard the strange sound. 

Mikasa used her maneuver gear to swing over to the branch Armin was perched on. She rested a protective hand on his shoulder, “Do you feel okay?” She asked. 

Armin nodded glumly. His head still throbbed and his ears rang occasionally, but the vomiting had stopped. 

“I’m okay. What about you?” He caught sight of the scar on her cheek and frowned. That had been the only time he’d ever seen Mikasa get hurt.

“I’m fine.” 

She seemed distracted, staring off into the trees. 

“What are you thinking?” Armin said softly. He knew they both could sense that something was off. 

“I think I’m going to go in. I want to check on Eren.” 

Armin nodded, “I want to come with you.” he said, and Mikasa was already shaking her head. 

“No. The baby.” She spoke very quietly, looking over her shoulder as if someone could hear. 

Armin felt as if he might cry. He was useless before, and now he was double that. He couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be when everyone knew, when the evidence was under his shirt and easily seen. How invalid would he be, then? He was supposed to be a soldier, not a patient. He can and would fight. He’d been trained just like everyone else.

Mikasa seemed to see the effect her words had on Armin and was taken aback. She squeezed his shoulder kindly. 

“I’m going, Mikasa. I know I can help.” 

Mikasa drew in a long breath, and then, hesitantly, she nodded in agreement. 

 

By the time Armin and Mikasa had made it into the forest, everything had already been thoroughly destroyed. 

Squad Levi had been torn limb from limb, all while Eren watched on in horror. Petra, Gunther, Bozado, Eld, all slaughtered like they were nothing, like they were little more than flies. Humanity's greatest, tossed on the forest floor like lifeless ragdolls.

Eren had already decided to fight, and he’d torn into the flesh of his thumb hungrily, and licked the iron from his lips. Things clearly hadn’t gone as planned. 

Captain Levi had swung past the bodies of his soldiers apathetically, compartmentalizing the thoughts and feelings for a more appropriate time. He couldn’t deal with them right now, his mission had failed spectacularly and he had to pick up the pieces or face the consequences. 

By the time he saw the cadets, and by the time they all saw Eren, it was far too late. The Female Titan had ripped him from the nape of his titan form, and held him in her mouth. 

“No!” Armin had gasped before he could stop himself, and immediately he clapped his hand over his mouth. The titan turned to spot all three of them, and immediately began to run in the opposite direction.

Levi scoffed, “Arlert, what are you doing here?” And immediately leapt to action. Mikasa looked tearful and followed suit. 

Armin tried to keep up as best as he could, but Mikasa had been right. The constant jerking of the maneuver gear did not help his concussion, he was beginning to see spots. He should’ve listened. 

He hadn’t ever considered Eren dying before him, although he’d seen it first hand. He had foolishly considered Eren invincible now that he had his shifting power. Now, if Eren were to die here, he’d leave Armin alone with a baby. He wasn’t sure how to cope even with Eren, without him, he wouldn’t be able to at all. Would he rather cling to the last piece of Eren he had left? Or just go through with his plan last time, in Trost? He remembered the cold feeling of the blade in his hands, the look on Mikasa’s face as she chucked it off the roof. He would’ve done it, without her there. What would stop him this time? 

Mikasa and Levi ambushed the Female Titan with a strength Armin had never seen. They spiraled and twisted, sliced strategically at the muscle until she couldn’t run anymore, until her arms went limp. They thwacked at her jaw, forcing her mouth open until Eren fell from inside, coated in saliva. 

He looked pale, but he was alive. Armin watched the way his chest rose and fell shallowly, feeling as if the sky had opened up. He wouldn’t have to do anything rash. 

The Captain scooped him up, although he wrinkled his nose at how sticky he was. Armin had leaned up against the tree for the moment, hands on his knees, recovering the shock of losing Eren and immediately having him returned. 

“You and Ackerman,” Levi gestured to them both, “Back up front, now. We’re retreating.” Armin nodded dutifully, getting back up on his feet and starting up his maneuver gear once more. Mikasa and Levi were several feet ahead of him.

He could barely cry out before he was snatched out of the sky. The Female Titan, who had recovered one arm far faster than anyone could’ve thought possible, had yanked him into her palm. 

He could hear Mikasa yell frantically for the Captain to turn around, hear them arguing, but Levi refused. Armin had risked it all to come along, and he was not the main purpose of their mission. He would be considered missing in action. Just another casualty. 

He could feel as the Female Titan got up and began to run. 

He could smell blood on her hands.

But inside, where the warm fingers curled around him and held him tightly, he could see only darkness and the pulsing red behind his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to thank armoomin for drawing some really great art for this fic!! i never thought anyone would ever make fanart so im really excited! please check it out i love it so much
> 
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> 
> http://armoomin.tumblr.com/post/177818496222/its-rlly-hard-to-find-good-eremin-fics-let-alone
> 
> thanks for reading!


	6. heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> armin is in a predicament, and erwin leads a difficult conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these boys are in for it

It took them about six hours to calm Eren down enough to have a discussion.

His cheeks and eyes were puffy and red, face smeared with tears. He’d fought and yelled to be allowed back outside the wall to go out and seek Armin, but his requests were staunchly denied by Captain Levi. 

This was his worst nightmare, just short of Armin being torn apart right in front of him. If Armin was alive, he was probably terrified. He probably thought he’d been abandoned. Mikasa had forced him to drink water and wiped his tears. She’d insisted they’d go back as soon as they could. 

Mikasa kept calm and steady even in the worst of circumstances. Eren, on the other hand, had been just short of lunging at the Captain, and he probably would’ve, if it hadn’t been for how weak his transformation during the mission had left him. He could barely walk, much less fight. 

The Captain had been in a meeting with Commander Erwin and Section Commander Hange for what seemed like forever. Mikasa had told him they were planning out their next course of action. Eren was only slightly relieved. Any other cadet would probably be left for dead, but Armin was smart. Maybe he had some special job to do, some great importance. Eren only hoped that would mean he was enough to rescue. He had already decided that, even if the Captain refused to send for him, that he would go on his own to either fight for his return, or to bring back his body. He refused to leave him in the woods alone, no matter the outcome. 

He felt as if he couldn’t sit down, couldn’t sit still. He thought of every possibility where Armin could be returned alive, but also considered every gruesome outcome that involved him devoured. Eren’s thoughts drove him crazy, running his head in circles, the panic never dipping below a certain level, adrenaline pumping in his veins. He’d probably never sleep again. He wanted to punch a hole in the wall. Destroy something. Destroy everything. 

 

Miles away, Armin wasn’t fairing much better. 

In the palm of the Female Titan, he had no way of knowing where she was taking him. Even how long it had taken for them to arrive was uncertain, everything had sort of blurred into one. 

When she stopped, he could feel it. He hugged himself, so terrified of what was to come. If this was the way he died, he would have to accept it. He hoped that Eren’s last memory of him would be a happy one. He tried to remember what they had said to each other the morning before the mission, if they had kissed good luck or not. He began to cry as he realized, in the rush of preparing, the nervousness, he couldn’t recall. 

Armin could feel her raise her arm, and her palm opened. The sun was blinding after so long in darkness, and he hid his face in the crook of his elbow, squinting. 

She plucked him up but the scruff, like a cat would do to its young, and dropped him unceremoniously through a window and onto a cold floor. It took him a few moments to clear his head and look around. It was very similar to the dusty castle that the Survey Corps had repurposed. The walls were curved, the shape of the building cylindrical. He seemed to be in a tower tall enough that he could see the Female Titan’s sharp, blue eyes peering through the window. There were no doors that he could see, only the window he had come through and a dusty looking four poster bed. 

He stared up at the giant eyes that blocked the sun from the window, searching for answers. Was he to be kept in here like a pet? Why hadn’t she just killed him? It was clear, only from the layout, that the Female Titan was his only hope of getting down. No ladder would be tall enough, any fall down would be his death. He was trapped here until she decided to let him down.

With a crack and a billow of smoke, she was gone, and in her place was two small hands on the window sill. Armin was too stunned to move. He just watched as the girl hauled herself up, swinging her legs inside until she was standing before him.

It was clear she’d tried to obscure her identity, her green military-issue cloak yanked down to cover her face, but Armin could tell immediately that it was Annie Leonhart that stood before him. 

Just by the way she stood, the way she held herself. It was all so familiar to Armin after three years spent training side-by-side. There was no way she could’ve concealed it. 

His face burned with anger and hurt, tears immediately sprung into his eyes, mind working quickly, trying to figure out why a close and trusted friend would betray them all in such a complete and total way. She had hurt them. She had killed them. 

“Why?” He said weakly, his head still throbbing where she had slammed him down enough to bleed only hours before, “Why did you kill them?”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Annie replied coolly. Her lips were set into a hard line and she didn’t meet Armin’s searching eyes. She looked at the floor.

“Well, then why are you doing this to me?” Armin shakily got to his feet, curling his fists at his side, trying to show that he wasn’t entirely broken.

“I’m going to hold you here until the baby is born, and then I’ll take it away, and leave you here.” 

Armin blinked, trying to make sense of what she had said, quickly drawing conclusions, making connections.

“How did you-” He trailed off, quickly choosing a different direction, “Annie. You don’t want to do this.” He tried to recall books he had read. The large ones in his grandfather’s study with ‘psychology’ on the spine. People liked the sounds of their own names. 

“Do you remember- how many years together we spent training? Running together? How many meals we shared?” His cheeks felt wet, but he hadn’t recalled when he’d started crying again, 

“Annie, you were one of us. We were all a team.” 

 

“Here.” Annie rustled through her military issue pack, throwing at Armin’s feet a small burlap bag, “Food for the next few days, then I’ll be back. If you jump, you’ll die.” 

She gave Armin a curt nod, and then, without hesitation, swung her legs over the windowsill and dropped out of view. There was another crack of sound, more steam rising towards the sky, and Armin watched numbly as the Female Titan sprinted away, until she was out of sight. 

Surveying his surroundings, Armin recalled a book his grandfather had read to him when he was very young. Rapunzel. It was always a fairytale that had made him somewhat sad, but he’d liked to paw through the pages, tracing the words with his tiny finger. 

Before Shiganshina had fallen, Armin’s hair had been down to his waist, thick and golden. His grandfather had combed and braided it with great care every day, but all the same, he’d teased him, called him Rapunzel, much to Armin’s chagrin. 

Whenever his grandfather had read that fairy tale to him, he could remember a sick feeling of worry in his belly. He was quite like the princess- everyone inside the walls was- and yet, not much good had happened to her. She’d been forced into a tower, and then forced out of it. Given birth to twins alone in the desert. Her prince had been blinded. 

He still took great pride in his hair, even though Eren tugged it occasionally, to get his attention. Bullies had done worse. He’d even cried when they’d been forced to cut his hair and sell it, after the fall, but Eren had told him that he’d liked it better. He never had his hair long again. 

Now, he thought, cautiously peering out the window, hair like Rapunzel would be useful, not that such a thing was possible. The tower was incredibly high off the ground, and to make matters worse, titans gathered below, pawing hungrily at the stone and cement. He hoped it was stable enough to withstand such a thing, he couldn’t feel any of their nudges, so that seemed to be a good sign. 

He turned, gazing around with a heavy sigh. The room was bare except for the bed with the dusty comforter, and a rickety bookshelf. He wondered if Hange had deduced why he’d been taken. If that meant Eren knew now. He rested his hands shakily against his stomach, searching for some sort of sign. Was there even going to be a baby at all? 

He thought back to the way Annie had smacked him out of the sky. That was strange behavior for someone who was attempting to preserve something delicate, like a fetus. It was a large contrast to the gentle way she’d plucked him into her hand, curled him into her fist. Armin had clearly been the second choice, after Eren, or had she intended to have them both? It wasn’t likely the pregnancy had been something she’d had in mind, at least not in the beginning. The way her behavior had shifted, his abduction had probably only come to mind at some point after Jean and Reiner’s intervention. 

Armin wished he had somewhere to write, he’d be able to organize his thoughts clearer. He was jumping so quickly to each different conclusion, there was so many loose ends, so many assumptions. 

He crouched onto the cold, cement floor, noting all the dust that had gathered. He took his finger, dragging it through the powder to sketch a sort of chronological map of events, starting with Sonnie and Bean and ending with the tower. The sickness, the pregnancy, Hange’s appointments, lessons for the mission, they all filled in the gaps between the two in faint lines drawn carefully by hand. If he could figure this out, he could find a way out. That was his mantra.

He thought hard about common threads. Who had been there at every event? Who could he check off? It didn’t start to come together until he remembered the hazy moments just before Mikasa had taken him upstairs after his appointment, how Reiner had stood there, staring. How Reiner had asked him if he was feeling better just before the mission, long after everyone else had forgotten. How it had been Reiner that prompted Armin to theorize about Eren’s position in the formation. How Reiner had miraculously survived being gripped tight by the Female Titan, and just after, she had changed direction. 

Armin sat, a bit awestruck, trying to think of any other possibility. At the same time, he could recall Reiner’s hands gently wrapping his head, the way he’d leaned against him when he had been sick the morning of his appointment, the late nights and dumb campfire tales they had shared at training camp. It was a horrid conclusion, to imagine both realities at once. The Reiner and Annie that killed indiscriminately, that slaughtered their fellow soldiers, and the Reiner and Annie that were loyal and steadfast friends, that had been through everything with them and come out the other side. It wasn’t something anyone would want to believe. 

If he was right, it meant Reiner was likely a shifter as well, which made things even worse. It meant Eren was outnumbered. 

Shakily, he stood, and surveyed from up high the map he’d created. He went over the data again and again, trying to tie together different people and places, but every rope ended the same. `

Reiner and Annie had betrayed them, and Armin was the only one who knew. 

 

Back at the headquarters, Erwin was leading a difficult conversation.

“Well, this changes everything, obviously, and if you two,” Levi squinted accusingly at both Erwin and Hange, his voice sharp and firm, “Had clued me into this goddamn mess, I wouldn’t have let Arlert go in the first place and we wouldn’t be in this situation!” 

“I apologize again, Captain, I thought it was best to respect his privacy until we’d made a formal action plan. It’s an unusual situation.” Erwin was using a voice that usually calmed Levi down, but he could see the smaller man was obviously still irate. 

“The fact of the matter is,” Hange interrupted, flipping through Armin’s data that she’d lovingly catalogued in a large file folder, “Whoever took him knows, and is planning on using this against us. The Female Titan is likely holding him alive, and it would be in humanities best interest to retrieve him. Clearly there's something in him that they don’t want us to get our hands on. It could be another weapon for humanity, we can’t pass up this opportunity.” 

“The casualties from this mission were immense, we’re suffering lashback from the public and the government, another mission this soon would be impossible. They won’t give us the funds.” Levi banged his hands on the table. 

“If we decide to go back for Arlert,” Erwin cut in, “We’ll go at night. No public exit or entrance from the wall, and we can keep our crew small, to our best soldiers.”

“Your best soldiers are dead.” Levi snapped, and the room quieted.

The casualties they’d faced had been both unanticipated and innumerable. Going back for Armin would be a strain on resources, no matter how anyone looked at it.

“Well, you know Eren will go anyways, we can’t stop him.” Hange said, keeping her eyes downcast, “Ackerman, as well.”

“If she’s among military ranks, which, from our investigation, is almost confirmed, it’s not likely that she is even still outside the wall. She’s probably left Arlert out there, and returned to her duty to avoid suspicion. We only need to pinpoint the place and a proper time. It could be quick and easy.” Erwin folded his hands onto the table. His job was about hard decisions. He was prepared to make one.

“Fine.” Levi quipped, “Waste our resources on this cadet. But someone has to tell Jaeger, and it’s not going to be me.” 

Erwin raised his eyebrows. 

In the end, a task squad was created, and a plan made. 

Captain Levi, Commander Erwin, and Section Commander Hange would head outside the wall in three days just after nightful. They would bring along Mikasa Ackerman, Eren Jaeger, Reiner Braun, and Jean Kirstein after their performance during the failed 57th Expedition. 

At night, they would scout out any structures that remained intact using maps Hange’s squad had created, and in the day they would camp out, staying as low as possible. The entire point of the mission would be to avoid titans as much as possible, and retrieve Armin with little to no casualties. 

In the end, it was Hange that went to retrieve Eren from the bunks. 

He jumped up, clearly anxious to hear whatever decision had been made. Mikasa looked distrustful at his side, frowning. It took several minutes for Eren to convince her it was alright for him to go alone. 

Hange led him up to where the others waited, Levi tapping his fingers against the wooden table impatiently, eyes glued to the floor.

“Go ahead and sit down, Eren.” Erwin said, keeping his voice even and calm, Eren could feel how tense the energy in the room was. He could feel that they would probably tell him something he didn’t want to hear.

If that was the case, if they were about to tell him Armin wasn’t worth the manpower, he would not hesitate to leave that night on his own. They would have to comply. They couldn’t risk losing humanity's greatest weapon. 

He sat, straight backed, hands clenched into fists, knuckles white.

“So,” Erwin swallowed, Eren could tell he was struggling for words, “We are planning on leading a retrieval mission outside the wall for Arlert.” 

Eren exhaled, shoulders sagging with relief, “When-?” His eyes were wide, and he couldn’t help but interject, his nervousness and excitement bubbling out and spilling over. 

“Don’t interrupt.” The Captain spat sharply, turning to stare daggers at Eren, who shut his mouth quickly. Hange uncomfortably cleared her throat. 

Eren sank into his chair.

“In three days, we’ll depart with a special task force. We’ll be taking you, Ackerman, Braun, and Kirstein. Now, Eren,” Erwin’s voice softened slightly, “It’s, um, imperative to the mission that we share with you exactly why we are deciding to go forward with retrieval.” 

Eren frowned. What reason could there be besides Armin’s incredible intelligence? He already knew about that. Levi shifted in his seat, and Hange fiddled with her file folder. It was clear there was something he didn’t know. 

“It’s likely that the Female Titan is another shifter, correct?” Erwin asked, Eren paused, looking around as if he was waiting for permission to reply before finally nodding, eyebrows knitted with concern. 

“So she has human intelligence, unlike other titans. Her main target was you, but when she failed to collect, her second target was Armin. Can you think of why that might be?” 

He was fishing for something, Eren knew that, but even as he wracked his brain, he couldn’t think of anything anyone would want from Armin. 

“He’s very intelligent, sir,” He said shakily, “Is that the reason?” He could hear Levi tapping his boot rhythmically, could see Hange biting her lip. 

“That’s true.” Erwin said, and he ran a hand through his hair in what Eren could see was a nervous gesture. What did everyone else know that he didn’t? 

“That’s true, but unfortunately, that’s not the reason.” 

Erwin wrung his hands together, then gestured to Hange, “Could I have your notes, please?” 

Hange nodded and slid the file across the table. Erwin opened the folder and plucked the first sheet off the top, passing it to Eren.

“Would you read that for me, cadet?” 

Levi groaned. 

Eren took the paper from Erwin, hands trembling. It looked to be a normal incident sheet from medical. He started from the top.

“Armin Arlert. Survey Corps. Fifteen years old. He’s, um,” He stumbled over words, he’d never been a strong reader, never raised his hand in class to read aloud, Armin had always been there to do it for him, “Five feet, four inches tall. One hundred and twenty-five pounds.” He stopped, looking up at Erwin in mild confusion. Why would they have him read something like this? It didn’t seem to have any relevance.

“Go on.” Erwin encouraged.

“Arlert had experienced chronic- nau- nay-” He looked hard at the word until he recognized it, thinking back to his father’s medical textbooks, “Nausea. Fatigue, and lightheadedness.” 

Eren shifted, straightening up in his chair a bit, “He had his last min- menstrual cycle over a month before.” He frowned. Levi had his hands on his face. 

“Abdominal exam yelled- yielded conclusive signs of-” His eyes widened, he looked up at Erwin, “Sir is this- is this correct? Was this a mistake?” Conclusive signs of pregnancy. It said pregnancy. Eren knew what that word was.

Erwin shook his head. 

“That’s not possible.” 

“Of course it’s fucking possible,” Levi cut in, exasperated, “You had unprotected sex with someone with a working uterus. You are so goddamn irresponsible, do you know that? Sure, the Survey Corps has its fair share of fucking pregnancies- but you!” He pointed his finger at Eren, leaning over the table so he could jab into his chest accusingly, “You- you of all people. Putting fucking titan babies into our soldiers!” 

“Titan-?” Eren was stunned, horrified. 

“Don’t fucking say a word.” Levi slapped his hands down on the table, everyone startled, “You don’t get to talk.” 

Levi gave Eren a long, disappointed look and stormed out, letting the door slam behind him.

It was silent for a moment, the weight of reality crushing after what the Captain has so harshly brought to light. 

Eren laid his head against the table, cradled in his arms, before letting out a loud, shuddering sob. 

Hange covered her mouth with her hand, watching the display of emotion in a voyeuristic, detached manner. She couldn’t be affected to continue on the way she did, it wasn’t possible. 

Erwin walked over to Eren and rested a hand on his back. 

“Should I call your sister up here?” 

Eren raised his head weakly, wiping the snot and tears that covered his face. 

“Is Armin going to be okay?” He said, voice thick, “Will it hurt him- whatever’s in there? It’s my fault- god, it’ll be my fault if it- if he dies out there.” 

Erwin crouched beside him, mouth in a terse line. He clearly didn’t want to get to close to the situation either.

“We’re going to try out best to bring him back. That’s all I can promise you.” 

Eren’s shoulders shook, his knuckles went white and he stood, furious, tossing the chair across the room as if it weighed nothing, steam rolling off his shoulders. 

“That’s not good enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
